Remembering What We Carried: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, October 15, marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to hold space for grief, love, and remembrance for babies who were carried but not held long enough. It is a time to acknowledge the profound heartbreak of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, and to honor the parents and families who carry these memories quietly every day.

For many, this day is both validating and painful. It may bring comfort to know that others understand, while also reopening tender wounds. Whether your loss happened recently or many years ago, you deserve space to grieve and remember.

How Common Pregnancy and Infant Loss Really Are

Pregnancy and infant loss are far more common than most people realize, but the silence surrounding them often makes grieving parents feel isolated.

• According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), approximately 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (ACOG, 2023).

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that about 1 in 175 pregnancies in the United States ends in stillbirth, meaning the loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy (CDC, 2023).

• The March of Dimes estimates that about 19,500 babies die before reaching their first birthday each year in the U.S., representing an infant mortality rate of approximately 5.4 deaths per 1,000 live births (March of Dimes, 2023).

These statistics are more than numbers. Each represents a story, a heartbeat, a family navigating the complex terrain of loss. By speaking these truths, we help break the silence that often surrounds this kind of grief.

Common Emotional Responses to Loss

If you have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, your emotions may be complex and ever-changing. There is no “right” way to grieve.

Grief and sadness: Profound sorrow is natural. You may find yourself mourning the baby you never got to meet or the future you had imagined.

Fear in subsequent pregnancies: It is common to experience heightened anxiety after a loss. You may find yourself worrying constantly or feeling detached from joy in an attempt to protect yourself from potential heartbreak.

Anger and rage: Anger can emerge toward your body, your circumstances, or even those around you. Rage is often a normal part of the grief process, especially when loss feels senseless.

Blame and guilt: Many people wonder if they could have done something differently. Self-blame is a common but misplaced response to trauma and loss. The truth is that most pregnancy and infant losses are not caused by anything the parent did or did not do (CDC, 2023).

Each of these reactions is a valid expression of grief. You are not alone, and your emotions make sense in the context of loss.

How Loss Impacts Beliefs About Self, Others, and the World

Pregnancy and infant loss can shake one’s foundational beliefs.

• Beliefs about self: You may feel your body failed you or that you are no longer the same person you were before the loss. Shame and disconnection from your body are common responses.

• Beliefs about others: It can feel difficult to relate to friends or family members, especially those who have not experienced similar loss. Some parents report feeling unseen or isolated within their own support systems.

• Beliefs about the world: Grief can make the world feel unsafe or unpredictable. The innocence of early pregnancy or new parenthood may feel irretrievably lost.

These changes in worldview reflect the profound disruption trauma brings. Healing involves rebuilding a sense of safety, trust, and meaning.

Impact of Loss on Relationships and Parenting

Grief after pregnancy or infant loss affects relationships in many ways. Partners may grieve differently, which can create tension or distance. One partner may want to talk while the other prefers to stay quiet. Both ways of coping are valid.

For those who become parents again after loss, fear often travels with them. Many describe the next pregnancy as both hopeful and terrifying. Others struggle to bond with their newborn, fearing that attachment might lead to more pain.

Parents who already have living children may also carry guilt about dividing attention or feeling joy again. These are natural and human responses to trauma. Compassion and open communication can help couples and families move through this together.

Ways to Remember and Honor Your Baby

Rituals can bring comfort, connection, and a sense of continuity between love and memory. There is no single right way to remember your baby, only what feels meaningful to you.

1. Light a candle at 7 p.m.
   Join the International Wave of Light on October 15 by lighting a candle to honor your baby and all babies gone too soon.

2. Create a memory box.
   Include ultrasound images, notes, photos, or small keepsakes that connect you to your baby’s life.

3. Plant something living.
   A tree, flower, or garden can serve as a living symbol of remembrance. Watching it grow may bring a sense of peace and continuity.

4. Write letters to your baby.
   Express what you wish you could say. Writing can transform unspoken grief into acknowledgment and love.

5. Participate in a remembrance event.
   Many hospitals and community organizations host virtual or in-person ceremonies for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

6. Create art or music.
   Painting, poetry, or song can give voice to emotions that words cannot fully capture.

These rituals allow love to have a place to go. Grieving does not mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry love forward.

Affirmations for Grief and Healing

Affirmations can serve as small lights on the path of grief, helping to counter the isolation and self-blame that loss can bring.

• My grief is real, and it deserves space.

• I did nothing to cause this loss.

• My baby’s life, no matter how brief, has meaning.

• I can hold sadness and hope at the same time.

• Healing does not mean forgetting.

• I am allowed to love, to remember, and to keep going.

• I carry my baby with me in memory and in heart.

Closing Thoughts

Pregnancy and infant loss are among the deepest human sorrows. If you are grieving today, please know that your pain is valid, your story matters, and you do not have to walk this path alone.

As a trauma-informed psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health, I support individuals and families navigating pregnancy loss, infant loss, and the emotional complexities of parenting after loss. Therapy can provide a compassionate space to process grief, reconnect with your body, and find meaning in the midst of heartbreak.

📞 To schedule a free 15-minute consultation, email me at ashleyrodriguezphd@gmail.com. You deserve care that honors both your grief and your resilience.

Sources:

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2023). Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Statistics. cdc.gov

• American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (2023). Early Pregnancy Loss: Practice Bulletin. acog.org

• March of Dimes (2023). Infant Mortality and Loss Statistics. marchofdimes.org